Brad | Brad Crites

Father’s Day Presence

I originally wrote this reflection for the Providence Community for Father’s Day 2021.

When I learned that I was to become a father, it took a while for that reality to sink in, mentally. Over time, I began to wonder if I was capable of being an adequate father to this child. Could I do the right things and teach her what she needed to know, provide the things she needed and have the right words at the right times? My daughter was born three months early; her mother and I received a crash course in parenthood. After the emergency caesarian, it would be another 15 hours or so before I was able to spend more than a moment with my child or even touch her. (And my dear wife! Due to the medical circumstances, she had to wait a couple of torturous days to meet her daughter!)

As a child, I was blessed to have five living great-grandparents. (My children are greatly blessed in that they had seven in their lives, five still living.) Two of mine lived through most of my childhood years, and I was given the chance to spend time with them often. When I did, one of the things I remember doing most is sitting in lawn chairs in the yard on summer days. It’s an understatement to say that I didn’t “get it”. I mean, these people had TV and some board games, and I had offered to show them how my video games worked. They declined. They just sat there in the yard.

The years rolled around to my time of driving and independence, and I didn’t have time for anything like sitting in the yard doing nothing. Too many things to do and possible adventures to chase. My grandfather, after hip and knee issues slowed him down, would often be sitting in the backyard when I would drive by. I eventually made it a point to stop, and that’s when I started to figure it out. Countless days I sat in that backyard with him, and most of the time, there wasn’t even anything to talk about. We just sat there in the yard.

In the middle of the chaotic days following my daughter’s birth,I was being asked to make immediate medical decisions I knew little to nothing about, and I can remember having a moment in the hall where I was at the end of my rope. I told my own father I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t feel like there was anything I could do, other than just sit in her room and wait for the next machine to alarm or nurse to ask for a signature concerning my daughter’s rapidly failing health. My dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me what I consider one of the most important lessons of my lifetime: “Welcome to fatherhood.” Not even seconds later, a nurse approaches and says, “You’re Mr. Crites, aren’t you?” (I thought she was talking to my dad!) I managed to pull myself together and acknowledge, and she said, “I’ve just come from your little girl’s room, and it looks like things are turning around!” How’s that for Providence?!

A few years later, we went through a similar situation with our son, who was four years old at the time. He was promptly admitted to the hospital one Saturday night on the diagnosis of a rare bleeding disorder. Once again, I was a little lost. I realized the only power I had besides prayer was to simply be present for my family. And so I was.

At a wedding recently, I observed the fathers of the bride and groom, each demonstrating presence in a different way. The bride’s father wholeheartedly toasted the new couple, speaking of the father-daughter relationship he had known and how joyous his daughter was with her new husband. He also talked, in not so specific words, of how the literal presence he had with her for many years was evolving into a new form by entrusting his grown child to her own new life. He wouldn’t be too far away to love and support, no matter what geography had to say about it.

Father of the Groom | Photo by Tiffany Crites

The father of the groom was much more subtle. He was recovering from a couple of medical procedures for retinal detachment that hadn’t quite went as well as doctors had hoped. His happiness outweighed the blurred vision and complications he was dealing with (and on this note, I’d like to ask our St. Mother Theodore – since you’ve dealt with similar things before, please bend God’s ear on his behalf). While he didn’t publicly share any thoughts as the bride’s father had, he proudly smiled and snapped pictures with his phone while the happy couple had their first dance.

Because of these experiences, I have come to value “being present” with others, most especially, my wife and two children (all happy and healthy these days). There is such tremendous value in simple presence.

There is also, perhaps, a lingering pain within the hearts of those who never knew their fathers; those who weren’t given the option of a father participating in their lives; and those whose cherished fathers are no longer living. Those opportunities for presence have become fixed in time, in a way. Even so, there is likely to be something to be thankful for, whether a treasured memory, a strong mother who juggled double-duty parenting, or just having those key people at whatever point they come into your life.

I think the call for all of us, no matter our labeled vocation, is to follow those examples and “father” the gift of presence to everyone around us. Let’s not take it for granted while we have the opportunities.

The Associate Relationship

When I share with someone that I’m a Providence Associate, the natural question arises: What does that mean?

It means that I have joined the Sisters of Providence community in a very real and concrete way. Now, you might be saying to yourself, “but you’re obviously not a nun!” Definitely not!! So in order to understand this better, we need to look at some details.

Let’s begin with the name: Providence Associate is intended to clearly identify that I am associated with the Sisters of Providence (SP). In more general terms, Catholics who may be in-the-know about these things will recognize me as a tertiary of the Congregation or that I belong to their “Third Order”.

In simplest terms, a tertiary is anyone who has not taken the formal vows of the religious order but is still a member. There are different names that more specifically identify each tertiary group, such as Benedictine Oblates, Lay Dominicans, Secular Franciscans, etc. We have many commonalities among us as tertiaries, but there are also distinct differences based on the order/community/congregation (I’ll use those words interchangeably for now) that one belongs to, and more importantly, there are things shared in common between the tertiary and their order, along with some differences.

The Rev. Francis Hoffman, JCD, has written a nice summary here of what being a tertiary is, and there are some good Q-and-A’s on the Providence Associates website that are more specific. I’ll outline the highlights from both articles below. Most of what I share here is either specific to the Sisters of Providence community or a more general overview; other groups will have their own specific nuances for each of these things.

Regular members of religious orders are single men or women who make vows to live a certain life (monks or nuns, usually living in groups, vowed to chastity, poverty, and obedience). Tertiaries can be male or female, married or single, and live wherever they choose; they have regular jobs like anyone else.

Per the first article linked above, tertiaries may have distinctive clothing or symbol to set them apart from the “regular person in the pew” and possibly an abbreviation after their names. The SPs are not required to wear a full habit anymore; they have replaced that with a small white cross specific to SPs. They will write their names as Sister Mary Smith, SP. (Sister is commonly abbreviated as “S.” or “Sr.”.) Providence Associates have a cross based on the SP cross that we usually wear for official functions, but we aren’t required. We may sign our names as (Mr./Ms./Dr.) John Doe, PA.

The cross worn in place of (or with) a habit by SPs.

Cross worn by PAs, based on the SP cross.

We do not take vows, per se. Instead, tertiaries make promises or commitments – these may or may not be similar to vows, but they are certainly by definition not as binding. In our case as PAs, they also have to be renewed from time to time; we do not have perpetual vows like the SPs are all eventually required to make.

Members of religious orders are divided into different houses or sub-communities. In SP history, sisters living in a particular geographic area formed a Province. As PAs, we form Circles that may or may not have anything to do with geography. (They originally were based on where you lived, but with technology and Zoom meetings becoming common, anyone can join almost any Circle).

So what do we do? Well, if you’re like some of my friends who are Benedictine Oblates, they have a specifically defined “personal rule” to follow that is more or less the same for everyone. PAs create, as part of their individual commitments, a written statement of what our “rule” will look like for us individually (in keeping with the way SPs determine their missions and ministries).

This commitment statement is usually drafted after a substantial discernment period (one or more months), in consultation with another member of the community who can guide you, and then it is submitted to the general officers for approval prior to your (re)commitment ceremony. The areas of consideration for writing your commitment statement are how you will make Intentional Prayer a routine, how you will maintain a Relationship with the Congregation, and how you will live out the Mission & Charism, though these are not the only areas your statement can address.

As an Associate, I have made the commitment to become part of the Congregation, to share the charism and spirituality of the Congregation, and to both give and benefit from the mutual support the Congregation provides. Following the way of life of the Sisters, this means I determine the specifics of what that looks like in everyday reality, and I’ll share more of those specifics in another post.

Catholics Reading the Bible

This post was originally written on January 26, 2020, but another act of Providence in the time of COVID quarantine is that many people actually did turn to reading the Bible more often and attending virtual Bible studies where they may never have attended otherwise. Also, 2021 saw the launch of the Bible-in-a-Year program that has proved to be wildly popular, and not just with the intended Catholic audience.

Today, Catholics around the world are celebrating Word of God Sunday for the first time ever. I think there are some particularly Providential aspects to this celebration occurring on this particular day.

As Catholics, we’ve always thought of ourselves as scripture people (I mean, the argument can solidly be made that we literally wrote the Book), but the truth of the matter is, like the vast majority of society, we probably don’t get into it very often these days – at least, not knowingly. For centuries, the Church’s prayers and liturgies, the ways in which things like hymns are written and stained glass windows were designed have always been about relaying scripture and our Christian heritage. These were the primary means of teaching and handing on the faith.

In fact, there was a statistic I read a few years back that said a one hour visit to a Catholic Church for Sunday Mass would give you somewhere near 70% more scriptural immersion than the average visit to an non-Catholic Christian Church. The remarkable thing is: most people wouldn’t know it! That’s why Pope Francis (a Pope of firsts) instituted this particular day; we need to be aware of the scripture around us. We need to know it when we hear it and when we see it, and more importantly, we need to know how to live it.

If ever there was an argument made against Catholics, it’s that we “aren’t Biblical”, and (while I disagree and think there’s plenty of proof to the contrary), those making the argument get the win because on average, we don’t know our stuff very well, or at the least, we don’t make a practice of actually reading the Bible. It’s not that hard. The Church even lays out texts daily for you. If we were to do so in a demonstrable way, I think it would be a huge step toward the Christian unity Jesus prayed for and Paul preached.

(By the way, it’s always bothered me since I was old enough to understand what I was reading how people used the phrase Word of God. John chapter 1, verse 1 even says quite explicitly that the phrase does NOT refer to written text:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

No mistake there. He’s not talking about a Bible. Yep, he means Jesus.)

It’s interesting to me, then, that today’s scripture readings at Mass worldwide (coincidentally) are these:

Isaiah 8:23-9:3 — the people in darkness have seen a great light
Psalm 27 — the Lord is my light and my salvation
I Corinthians 1:10-13, 17 — may there be no divisions among you
Matthew 4:12-23 — Jesus begins preaching and calls his first disciples

The calling of the first disciples is a really interesting way to wrap this up. This is the key transformation of the Gospel message. We are to utilize scripture to learn about Jesus, but we’re also supposed to be learning our mission. If we’re to get into the idea of Word of God Sunday, we should spend some time in the Bible, because that’s one of the primary places we’ll learn, but it’s not the end. The Word isn’t that page or that book. The Word is what we learn about, and we believe in-dwells us, calls us, and we respond by living accordingly.

So, as Providence would have it, it’s also the beginning of Catholic Schools Week here in the U.S. Catholic Schools Week is an annual celebration that recognizes the Church’s long held commitment to education, not just in matters of faith, but in all areas of learning. The Church has always been a patron of the arts and sciences. Catholic education fosters the beliefs that a high quality education is a vital benefit for even the most vulnerable, and we don’t shy away from integrating our faith with the study of the world around us. (For example, the current “buzz” in most curricular programs lately is STEM education – bringing together science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. In Catholic education, we get to approach it as STREAM – science, technology, religion, engineering, arts, and math.)

Through education, both in the formal, traditional sense and in the historical immersive nature of scripture, we are prepared for mission; not just a mission of solitary faith and behavior that we hope leads us to a someday eternal reward, but also a mission of here and now among the people around us to be their light and help.

That’s why St. Francis of Assisi is often (mis)attributed as saying, “Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.” The Church was on the right track. We should be so immersed in scripture that we live our relationship and mission with the Word that it’s not an effort or something else we do, but a natural part of living. Somewhere along the way, we got off track. Today’s our call to get back on the right track by taking concrete steps to make the automatic meaningful again. May God grant me the grace (and courage) to do so.

The Avenue Moment

This post has been carried forward from an older site (see Content Note below). Any modifications to the original content are indicated by a change of text color.

The Sisters of Providence call it the “Avenue Moment”. It’s that indescribable feeling that you can only recognize by experience. They’re referring to the overwhelming sense of peace and calm that floods your entire being when you pass through the gates onto the main road of the Motherhouse grounds. It looks just like the ordinary trees, pavement, sky, and squirrels that are common to everyday experience, yet you know within your core being, you’re somewhere special, somewhere holy.

That juxtaposition is really the reason for me to do this. I’ve experienced many Avenue Moments over the years. I can describe some in detail like they happened yesterday: a retreat at Gethsemani Abbey of Kentucky with the silent Trappist monks; standing next to a waterfall with my newlywed bride the day after we married; reaching through the incubator in the NICU to touch my daughter’s foot the day she dramatically entered the world; even a simple rainy day in a fast food parking lot when I needed an extra reassurance of life’s path. Other moments I know have come and gone and my memory of them is only foggy at best, but the effects are lasting. That’s why. The effects are lasting. And life-changing. And contagious.

The Avenue Moments happen when we’re open to them, when we’re aware of ourselves and how the Spirit moves in our lives and how we are marvelously and miraculously cared for in spite of ourselves. This openness and awareness can, if we allow it, move us toward where we’re meant to be – not on autopilot, but like the Avenue in reality leading to Providence Center and all connected thereto, we see more clearly the destination unfolding ahead. That nudge and waxing vision – we call that Providence.

You don’t have to be a philosopher to have heard life described as a journey; you may have made the reference yourself. The starting point and the end point are obvious markers of significance, but so are the many landmarks along the way, the pit stops and side trips, the sights, and the path itself. We don’t get wrapped up in every detail, but we acknowledge the whole package for what it is.

We codify the important points in our journey with photographs, certificates, and souvenirs of various kinds. Birthdays, anniversaries, new homes, new jobs, religious events, even special gatherings of friends or a common cup of coffee made special can be marked with a diary entry or receipt to help us remember and set aside that moment in time, consecrating it in a sense for our own happiness, so that we can gather again and say, “Do you remember…?”

I’ve had the honor of officiating half a dozen weddings or so over the years, and one thing I usually tell the couple is that the marriage ceremony itself is just a marker – it signifies a commitment they’ve already made and a love they already share. In many ways, we’re just making a public declaration of something they’ve already been living inside themselves, and those few things that may change afterward are just details.

Becoming a Providence Associate for me is a marker; it’s a public recognition and declaration of a spirituality I already live and embrace.

Funeral Reading for Grandfathers

When my grandfather passed away in April 2017, I came across a reading that I thought captured our sentiments in a poetic and succinct way better than I ever could have, proving once again the great treasure we have in sacred scripture. This reading is in the optional readings of the Roman Missal for funerals and is taken from Sirach 44*:

Now will I praise those godly men, our ancestors, each in his own time: These were godly men whose virtues have not been forgotten; their wealth remains in their families, their heritage with their descendants; through God’s covenant with them their family endures, their posterity for their sake.

And for all time their progeny will endure, their glory will never be blotted out; their bodies are peacefully laid away, but their name lives on and on. At gatherings their wisdom is retold, and the assembly proclaims their praise.

Sirach is a book of Hebrew Scripture found in Catholic and Orthodox Bibles but commonly omitted elsewhere. This difference in scripture canon is the result of various texts being considered authoritative by the leading Jewish scholars at different points in history; thus, many Bibles have 66 books, Catholic Bibles have 73, and the Orthodox recognize 80 (or 81, in some cases).